Friday, July 31, 2009

I've said it before and I'll say it again. When I drive, angels attend. Even when I'm idling.

I merge into the single lane halfway to the freeway from Macey's food store and within seconds see the flashing lights in my rear view mirror. They are inside the windshield of the white, unmarked car I've just passed.

The weird thing is that I'm not nervous at all. I pull to the right as far as I can to keep the officer safe from on-coming traffic. I think, If I get a ticket, oh well, I've broken enough laws without being caught. But, man, I hope I can go to traffic school. I don't have any money.

A middle-aged, stout man walks up to my now open window and asks for my license. Hey! I get to use my new license. I'd gotten it just a week ago in the mail. (See how un-nervous I am?)

Usually, the officer asks if you know why he pulled you over. He doesn't. He simply states that I was going 60.

"I was? What is the speed limit on this road?"

He mouths the word forty as he holds up 4 fingers, moving them as if in slow motion.

"Whoa. That is too fast. I thought I had merged wrong or something. I didn't see the sign."

"That's because you were going too fast. Are you in a rush?"


"Where are you going?"

"To a cancer follow up at Primary Children's." I motion to the back seat with a wave of my hand. "I guess I was driving like I was already on the freeway."

"Twenty miles over is way too fast." Then, holding my license an flicking it with the middle finger of his other hand, "Should I give you a ticket or not...?"

I wait. Was that a rhetorical question?

After a moment I quietly mumble, "Well, I hope you don't, but I was going too fast." The money for this is going to kill me.

He hands me the card and tells me I really need to slow down. Of course, I agree and reassure him that I will be much more careful.

He shakes my hand and I'm surprised at that.

I point to the Sheriff badge hanging near his belly from a chain. "I see you work for the Sheriff's office. So does my husband."

A few things happen after that, including me admitting that when he sees me pull out back onto the road, he'll notice my right rear turn signal is out. But I definitely drive off with gratitude in my heart.

Thank you, Deputy Sheen.

Monday, July 20, 2009

What did I almost lose today???


That's right. When I pulled from the mailbox this afternoon,
the principal letter with information about the start of school,
I felt a wave of almost nausea welling up within me.
It's inevitable, though.
Jarid had not one iota of sympathy for me, either.
He never really has.

I'm learning that if one eats a steady diet of oatmeal cookies,
it improves one's regularity.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Name my true short story.

I reached up for the mag light on the top shelf of the pantry and tested the batteries by pushing the power button. Good, I thought. I would need this tonight. I had waited long enough. What I needed to do had to be done as soon as possible, all evidence removed before dawn.

My husband and two children were sound asleep in their beds. The house was quiet, but for the padding of my feet as I collected the tools that would be needed to cover up my sin. By morning it would be finished and only a select few would ever know.

After slipping on some shoes, I left the house, careful to lock the door behind me. I found the shovel propped near the back steps in the dirt. I thought myself clever as I slipped the shovel into a plastic grocery sack. No trace would be left in the back of my Explorer, no evidence of my terrible crime. The other three sacks should be enough to temporarily stifle the smell.

I smiled to myself. I only needed to travel a few blocks to the dump site. Using my car in the darkness of the night would be safer than chancing a saunter through the neighborhood with a shovel and bags filled with evidence. There were plenty of SUVs like mine in the area. I'd even thought to cover my license plate with smudges of mud, but changed my mind. Having a cop for a husband had certain advantages and I'd heard him tell of vehicles that had been suspicious for just that reason. I would be lithe and quick.

The quiet purr as I started the engine was comforting. This was my favorite of all cars. Solid and powerful, yet beautiful in form and design. I'd known it was the perfect car for me the moment I'd seen it. Sitting in it for a test drive was but confirmation of my feeling. I felt the satisfaction of owning her now as I maneuvered quietly past the houses with darkened windows. I'd cursed this town many times for not having well-lit streets. Tonight, however, I was grateful for the cloak of dark.

As I approached the site with my headlights switched off and quietly pulled my car diagonally into the gravelly roadside, I noticed movement within the house. My heart jumped. It was nearly midnight. Perhaps in my eagerness, I'd launched my plan too early. I waited in the stillness. I saw no further movement and decided to approach the house to assure myself that I would not be discovered. Getting caught was not an option.

I stealthily crept toward the door. Tiptoeing to peek through the window, I saw that a low kitchen light had been left on, probably as a night light for the children. Maybe it had been one of them moving in the kitchen for a mid-night drink of water. Surely they would have fallen back to sleep easily, unaware of my presence. I was more concerned about the light at the bottom of the stairs that led down from the entryway behind the door. I lingered a moment watching for signs of flicking light that might be a television or other movement within. Nothing. My heart calmed and I felt pleased with myself. Everything was falling into place. I would be gone in minutes. Time to begin.

I felt confident and bold enough to switch on the car's headlights. The light poured over the lawn, lighting the space beneath the tree where I would be working. I retrieved the shovel and one white sack and carried them to the front of the car searching for the exact position of the drop. I scanned the grass until I located the prize. Scooping carefully with the shovel, I removed the first deposit in one complete piece. I let it slide smoothly into the bag. I had worried that I might disturb the form, leaving traces on the grass, but it had lifted perfectly off the ground. I knew there was another. I found it quickly and repeated the process just as successfully. I almost chuckled with pleasure at my good fortune.

With my acquisitions I returned to the back of the car. I delicately placed the first bag into a second one, not wanting to disturb the shape, then made a knot of the handles. The closer to airtight, the better.

I felt a feeling of elation. The smile on my face and in my heart were equally matched. The light from the vehicle cast shadows among the blades of grass, so for good measure I played the light of the mag over the area looking for anything I may have missed. Not finding even a suggestion of what had been there and thinking that perhaps I should be wise and not tarry, I replaced the flashlight, covered the end of the shovel with it's bag and deftly closed the heavy hatch door.

All the way home my heart beat with blissful delight. I had executed my task with consummate perfection, an accomplishment that will live on only in the minds of a trusted few from this night forward.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

How To Tell If Your Family Loves You Just The Way You Are.

It's simple.
Shave you hairy arms.
Then show them your arms and ask them if they
notice something different about them.
My husband and kids stared and thought and
thought and stared and only came up with...
"They are skinnier?"
"You have more freckles?"
And my favorite...
"You're losing your tan?"
So, there you have it.
No one noticed the difference,
obviously therefore,
they did not notice (or care) that my arms
were hairy in the first place. :)